Can single pastors date within their congregation? John Piper answers
Theologian and author John Piper suggested that it can be appropriate for single pastors to date within their congregations, stressing that religious leaders should be transparent in their desires and allow congregation leaders to assist them in finding the right person to marry.
In an episode of his podcast "Ask Pastor John" posted on Desiring God's website last week, Piper fielded a question from a listener who identified himself as a 23-year-old single pastoral intern.
The listener said, "due to the busy amount of work and school, I meet very few women outside of my church," and yet, "I hesitate to date inside my church due to my position on the pastoral team."
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"What's your advice for someone in my situation? Is it appropriate for pastors to use dating apps? And if this is even remotely possible, how would a pastor wisely date within his own church?" wrote the listener.
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Single pastors looking to date should "believe in the providence of God," Piper said. He advised them to "be realistic, mature, and candid with your fellow church leaders."
"Finding a compatible Christian spouse ought to be a practical community project involving family and church, not a secretive solitary quest. Just get over that. That's not the way you need to think about it," said Piper, the chancellor at Bethlehem College and Seminary in Minneapolis, Minnesota, who pastored Bethlehem Baptist Church for over 33 years.
"Ask your leaders for their counsel. Ask them to keep their eyes open in regards to their near and far networks. My wife kept her eyes open at our church for husbands, for example, for her sisters. And she introduced three of her sisters to the men they married at our church, and she did it very intentionally."
He urged young pastors to seek "ministry-minded women."
"The next thing I would say to this young pastor or aspiring pastor is that if a woman is put off by the thought of being a part of your full-time ministry, she’s not the right woman," he said. "You want a woman who will not just tolerate your calling, your burden, your passion, your risks in ministry, but a woman who loves the thought of throwing her life into that with you. This is what God has been making her to be. She wants to share that kind of life, walking on the edge of eternity — with all of its difficulties and risks and challenges."
Piper also recommended doing "various ministry ventures" such as "short-term mission trips" and "educational tours where the nature of the venture might be self-selecting."
"In all these ministries that you go on, they might be self-selecting for the kind of woman that would go on it too. Lots of couples meet because they follow their ministry heart on some venture and discover each other in the process," he said.
While not opposed to having single pastors use a dating app to find a spouse, Piper warned his listeners that using such a resource might be problematic because it is secretive.
"It seems to me that a pastor is a fairly public person, and the secrecy surrounding the use of dating apps could tarnish your reputation as one who wants to be totally candid with his church and especially with his leaders," said Piper. "I would give preference to the open networks that you have rather than to secret ones."
The question of dating while being a pastor has been subject of conversation in years past, with pastor and public speaker Dawrell Rich offering some advice on the issue in a 2016 blog post.
Rich noted that he "made a conscious decision to exclude my parishioners from the dating pool" and that he "chose to entertain dating relationships with people who were not within the worship community I served and had little ties to it."
"Even if a respected senior member lovingly introduced me to their educated, professional, sweet granddaughter, I'd make her acquaintance but move on," he wrote.
"I learned that, for some, being able to say they made a love connection for the pastor was an ego boost and a way to indirectly influence pastoral decisions."
