10 warning signs of an abuser: How the Church can recognize abuse and save lives

For the sake of the flow of this article, I will be primarily referring to the abuser as male and victim as female, but abuse is used by both genders.

Domestic violence is not always easily recognized, even for the survivor of the abuse, and especially when the abuse is not physical or sexual in nature. But there are warning signs individuals can look for in suspected abusers.

Before I began my work in domestic violence recovery and awareness, these indicators were present in people I knew — I just didn’t recognize them. For instance, a woman I knew at church could never attend women’s Bible studies or go to women’s retreats because her husband refused to watch the children. It wasn’t until later I realized this was an isolation tactic.

As the Church, we have a responsibility to defend the weak and uphold the oppressed (Psalm 82:3-4, NIV). Recognizing a victim of abuse can be difficult, however, as the individual may not be truthful about the harm she is experiencing out of fear and safety concerns, and her abuser likely hides the abuse when around others. While you may not witness overt abuse occur, there are some behaviors you can listen for and observe that often indicate abuse, especially when several of these behaviors are present. By recognizing these common signs of abuse, you can save someone’s life.

Here are 10 common indicators of abuse:

1. A push for quick involvement

Abusive partners often want to move very quickly in their relationships. A partner may come on very strong in the beginning, lavishing attention, “love bombing” and claiming he’s never loved anyone like this before. He pressures for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. Within a short period of time, he wants to move in together or get married.

2. Jealousy

Abusive partners are excessively possessive. A jealous partner may call or text constantly and visit unexpectedly. He is jealous of the victim’s time spent with friends, family or even a pet. At first, he might encourage you not to talk or spend time with other people. But over time, he will demand you not spend time with or talk to anyone he doesn’t approve of, especially other men.

3. Demands details about how his partner spends her time

Jealous partners can also cross the boundary of being interested in the details of your day to obsessing over it. Of course, it is normal for partners to express interest in each other’s itinerary for the day, but if you hear a friend mention she must tell her partner where she is at all times, that is a red flag. A secure man does not feel the need to do this. Love is trusting.

4. Displaces blame for his mistakes and lacks accountability

A lack of accountability alone is not always an indicator of abuse; however, it is a red flag when paired with references to how unreasonable an ex-partner was, or a justification or admittance of abuse based on something she did to deserve the abusive action.

If a man wants to tell you about all his wife’s faults, this should be an indication that he is not treating her well. He hopes you will understand “what a cross he has to bear” in dealing with his wife and how it justifies his behavior. In reality, these thoughts reveal the harmful belief systems the man holds.

5. Criticizes his partner or what’s important to his partner

Partners who put down or belittle beliefs are not respectful partners. While it’s healthy to have challenging conversations about ideas, it’s not okay for a partner to tell the other how she should think, feel or believe. They should not put down what’s important to you. Abusers also often inflate their interests and beliefs, expecting their partner to only do what they want or adopt their beliefs.

You may notice an abuser criticizing his partner in social settings or consistently talking negatively about her when she is not present. These actions are cause for concern.

6. Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse takes criticism a step further. It may start off seemly innocent, like saying, “Is that what you’re going to wear?” “Wow, that’s a lot of makeup.” “Maybe you shouldn’t eat that, I know you’re trying to lose weight.” These messages damage a sense of self-worth and cause partners to question themselves, even when spoken in a loving tone. There’s a good chance that these “loving” redirections will turn into harsher, more damaging words and even actions to control their partner.

Abusers may even say these messages in group settings, as verbal abuse is often not recognized as domestic violence. If he is not making an effort to support her around others and is only acting negatively toward her, this is a sign that abuse may be occurring.

7. Hypersensitivity

A partner that is overly sensitive will have the other partner walking on eggshells and overthinking every word they say, often as a result of criticism and verbal abuse. The abuser may be easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is mad about not getting his way. He’ll rant about the injustice of things that are just everyday life, like bad traffic, and take them personally.

8. Sudden mood swings

Sudden mood swings are also common in hypersensitive men. They can switch from sweetly loving to explosively angry or violent in a matter of minutes, or even more confusing, within seconds. This may not be something you witness from an abuser as they often put on a mask and hide their rage but be sure to listen for signs of this when talking with potential victims.

9. Words that justify or minimize his abuse

As mentioned above, there is often a justification of abuse based on the abuser’s beliefs. Abusive men are particularly good at spinning their story to sound like what they did was a reasonable response. Even the most skilled person working in the field of domestic violence may be deceived into believing him. In our intervention groups, we often hear men, and women, say things like, “I kind of yelled.” This language minimizes the damage done and does not show accountability. Abuse is never justified, and no story or excuse can make it so.

10. Gut feelings

Remember, God has given you intuition as a gift. If something feels wrong between a couple you know, trust that feeling. God will guide you through your instincts. Discreetly let the victim know you are a safe space and are willing to help and protect her.

If you are experiencing abuse, it is not your fault. You have not failed. God is not displeased with you. You are not alone. I encourage you to seek help to get out of the situation and pursue counseling or recovery programs to find healing and purpose in Christ.

Church, I encourage you to take note of these signs. Educate yourself, and others, further on how to help survivors and be an active advocate. You are vital to the fight against the domestic violence epidemic and protecting the defenseless.