How to overcome grief this Christmas

The holiday season is one that cannot be hidden. Festivities are found in stores, billboards, television shows, commercials, and on the radio. From November to January, the quest to inspire people to be joyful is prevalent. But what do you do when you are facing emotions that are in complete opposition to this joy? How can we find joy in the holidays when we are grieving the loss of a loved one, the ending of a marriage, the loss of a job, or any difficult situation we find ourselves in?

I know firsthand the frustration of being surrounded by joy in the middle of grief. My first husband, Scott, unexpectedly passed away on November 29, 2010, just four weeks before Christmas. Ironically, as I write this article, it is the 13th anniversary of his death. I remember the extreme pain and feeling of unfairness as I was surrounded with people wearing smiles and enjoying their loved ones. How was I supposed to find joy in a season when I am hurting beyond imagination?

I believe … no, I know …that God knows exactly how to give us joy in those painful times. I love getting a snowfall, and in Tennessee, you may get a few in one winter, and you may go a few winters without any. In all my 31 years, I had never had snow on Christmas Day. But that Christmas, it came a five inch snow! My parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew and I found ourselves sledding, having snowball fights, and making snow cream. For that moment, I forgot the pain and laughed until I cried happy tears. I knew God had given me a wonderful Christmas present that I needed so desperately.

You may be thinking, “You got that, but I do not live in an area where we get snow.” Or you may be saying, “I live in a place where I get too much snow, and I do not want anymore!” Stay with me here. The snow itself is not the point of this story. I could have looked at the snow and instead made the decision to stay inside and focus on my situation and self-pity. But I made the choice to not allow my grief to dictate my day. Did I cry? Of course I did! That is only natural in a difficult situation, especially when the holidays magnify it. However, while we cannot change situations such as these, we can change the way we deal with them. We do not have to allow the emotions stemming from our circumstances to rule the joy we can find during the holidays — any season for that matter.

No matter how difficult and painful life’s events, each of us can find something and someone  from which to find joy and for which to be grateful. It requires a conscious decision to look outside of ourselves and begin to see that we are blessed. Do we ignore the pain? Absolutely not. Dealing with grief does not entail a disregarding of those emotions. Rather, focusing on the blessings rather than the pain is the key to not only enduring but actually being able to enjoy the holiday season. My mantra is “cry when you need to and laugh when you can.”

Laughter is truly a healing component that has been medically proven to have physical, mental, and emotional benefits. Not to mention, Scripture says, “a joyful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). Do not constantly isolate yourself to be alone with your thoughts. Spend time with family and friends who make you laugh. Watch a funny movie or try a new, adventurous activity. Go see a Christian comedian or watch his or her videos online.

What if we take time in this holiday season to help someone else in need? The old saying goes, “no matter how bad you’ve got it, someone else has it worse.” In other words, you and I are not the only ones who deal with tragic and painful situations. Perhaps we should use our time, energy, or resources to lift the spirits of others. Science shows that this activates the reward area of our brains and actually reduces stress.

In other words, we cannot allow our lives to be constantly and permanently dictated by our situations. We must make the decision (and we all have the ability to make it) to find joy and gratitude in the holiday season. As believers, we have the gratitude that God the Father, in His abundant love for us, sent Jesus to earth to save us from our sins and to adopt us as His own. Further, that this is His gift of grace to us knowing that we could never earn it. And because of this precious gift, we have the benefits of communion, peace, love, strength, and joy that accompany a relationship with Him. He is the One who enables us to make it through any difficult situation. But we must go to Him and allow Him to help and heal us.

The benefits of salvation are available, but it is up to us to receive them. My current husband, Keith, who lost his first wife to cancer in 2017, shares this same belief that it is up to us to choose how we deal with our emotions. He also took steps to spend time with others, help others in need, and focus on the good in life as he dealt with grief in the holiday season. We are both living examples that it is possible to overcome difficulties and find joy. If we can do it, so can you!

So, in this holiday season, choose joy! No matter what life brings, we have much for which to be thankful.