We are made for relationships

A persistent heart cry I hear from those in difficult or broken relationships is, “All I have ever wanted is for someone to love me.” Why? Because God wired us that way. In the garden before the fall, God saw Adam alone and in need of companionship. So, he gave to Adam a companion in Eve. One who was “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” One to come alongside and do life with him. Someone to hold, caress, cherish, serve, be tender toward, and prefer above all others.

There are two truths I believe with all my heart. They guide much of my work and my understanding of the world.

First, nothing is as sweet or as meaningful as to be in love with someone who actually loves you back. I believe this with all my heart and work to help everyone have relationships of just this kind. Yet I also believe the reverse. The second truth is that little in this world is as painful and as damaging as being in a relationship with someone who is supposed to love you but doesn’t.

Because of these two truths, I’m constantly urging people to consider the legacy of love they are leaving. I’m forever trying to get them to consider what prevents them from loving the people they are supposed to love as deeply as they possibly can. Are we moving too fast? Are we too devoted to our devices? Are we, in short, leaving each other behind?

The simple truth is that we are made for relationships and that in all those relationships we are called to reflect the love of God through our behavior. I’m not going too far, I trust, when I say that this is nearly the meaning of life.

We are put in this world to love God and the people He gives us. We should keep this commission central to our lives and then do it with all our hearts.

Your second chance

I can imagine someone reading the words above and feeling condemned. You believe what I’ve said. You agree that we are made for loving relationships, however, this has not been the pattern of your life. You feel like a failure. You have regrets.

I want you to know that you can make a turn. You can determine now that your life is going to be about the loving relationships you are meant to enjoy and to foster. I also want you to not be too hard on yourself. You may look at your life and see relationships that were tense or conflict-filled or distant.

Please know that all relationships go through their challenging seasons. The question isn’t whether you are going to have trouble in a given relationship. The question is what you do or don’t do during those troubling seasons, which makes all the difference.

I’ve given these hard relational seasons a great deal of thought. Let me suggest some actions that will make a vast difference as you commit yourself to loving relationships in the future:

• Be quick to say you’re sorry. Pride kills a loving relationship. Humility builds loving relationships. If you are wrong, say so. Quickly. Sincerely. Gently.
• Give yourself to the godly building blocks of relationships: prayer, worship, and gratitude. Do this with those you love, and God will draw you even more closely together.
• Focus on the good of the ones you love rather than yourself. Prefer them. Put them and their interests first. This is what love does.
• Be kind. Practice loving words and gentle ways. Always, always be generous.
• Be physical in nonsexual ways. Engage in much hand-holding, much stroking and loving touch. We are physical beings, and we often receive from loving touch even more than we do from loving words.
• Find the pleasures you enjoy together and build on them. What are the hobbies you both love, the places, the food? Build on these, and have fun doing it. And by the way, laugh a lot together.
• Finally, fight fair. When tense times come, don’t dig up old wrongs. Don’t insult and manipulate. See an argument as an opportunity to cleanse a wound, to listen, and to explain in a way that will make you better together. If you will make your times of fighting safe and productive, you will get better each time, and the tense seasons will decrease.

If you are struggling in your relationship, you don’t have to try to do everything all at once. Start with prayer and kindness. Find a pastor or Christian counselor if you need a third party to guide you. Think about your legacy.