You could change the life of a teen you know in just 3 steps

I often hear that one of the hardest things about being a volunteer for Young Life ONE is that it usually takes a really, really long time for some kids to like you. Take Jenny for example. I’d known Jenny for six entire years before she was willing to warm up to me. This looked like six years of showing up at her volleyball games, class presentations, multiple unmet invitations to get coffee and several camp trips before she’d trust me enough to pay me a compliment one day. 

And her story isn’t uncommon. Since we’re a ministry that works with teens who have experienced foster care, incarceration, homelessness or trafficking at some point in their lives, every member of our team expects to have to continually show up and earn the trust of the kids we encounter.

Which is why I’m glad she took those six years. I know that’s the time she needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere. I am so deeply grateful — and humbled — that she kept coming back.

But this underscores just how important our work is, and how underserved these kids generally are. Research has shown that just one caring, reliable, trustworthy adult in the life of a teen who’s faced adversity can make the difference between a positive and negative long-term outcome.

That one adult could be you. It could be any one of us, in fact — and the odds are good that you know a teen who needs your help, whether you realize it or not.

There are a few specific things you can do to help. You can start, for instance, by creating a safe space. 

One of the most important unmet needs that keeps teens attending Young Life ONE programming is their desire to feel safe. Not just be safe, but to feel safe. That’s why we have students who, despite seeming completely uninterested in socializing, come back every week for years. They know they’re safe with us. They know they can come here and be themselves, eat a good meal and be around people who genuinely care about them.  

So, make your home this place. Have snacks available. Have a quiet place for them to rest. Be ready to listen, without judgment. Help them feel like they belong, that they don’t have to hide who they are or where they come from. Help them know that they always have a place to go if they feel stuck or afraid.

The second thing you can do is a little bit more difficult for most of us. Learn to recognize that unmet needs drive what most of us consider “bad” behavior.  Rather than labeling behaviors — and often labeling people as we do — we can learn to look for the unmet needs and desires. Behaviors so often express unmet needs and unspoken feelings.

As the support crew for teens with many unmet needs, we need to learn how to discern the root causes of their behaviors — and not take it personally when their behaviors take aim at us. 

Sometimes the things students say have really hurt my feelings. I have to be able to admit that, and process it, without ever making them responsible for how I feel. If you’re supporting a teen with a history of adversity, they need to know that you’re going to keep showing up and loving them — no matter what they do, or how they act. 

Of course, part of being able to keep showing up is knowing how to self-regulate emotionally. That brings me to my third point. An important part of becoming a safe space for anyone else — and learning to interact in a healthy way with anyone who has chronically unmet needs — is self-knowledge and emotional self-regulation. 

So put in effort to meet your own needs. Learn to identify your triggers, and to de-escalate them. Build a team so you can tag other people in to help when or if you need to step away. Establish boundaries and know how to maintain them without defensiveness or aggression. 

Don’t just build a safe space for the kids in your life. Become one. 

I’m not saying that’s easy. This is some of the most difficult work any of us can ever do. But it is also the most morally and spiritually essential. This is the work that brings us closer to God and closer to each other. It’s also the work that brings us closer to Jesus’ own ministry.

After all, Jesus believed in second chances. He believed in “70 times seven” chances. 

So be the person to give a teen a second chance — or as many chances as it takes. Your presence could quite literally make the difference between life and death for a young adult in your community.