Dying to Meet Him: The Spiritual Battle Inside
Gabrielle "Elle" Devenish, a 30-year-old single Christian woman, was told by doctors that she has 6 months to a year to live.
"My heart, lungs, bones and muscles have all deteriorated beyond repair, according to doctors. My white blood cell count continues to match that of a last-stage chemo patient and my electrolytes are always on the edge."
For Elle's full Bio, click here.
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The Spiritual Battle Inside
Written March 18, 2012
Lately I've seemed very mopey and less likely to turn to God but to others in my seemingly uncontrollable thoughts. A few praises, first: I can type and read and focus at certain periods of the day, I have a lot of friends praying for me, and I've gotten back in touch with old time friends.
Things seem halfway normal now – it's like the 6-12 month diagnoses is not necessary – at least to my mind. Of course, to everyone else it is.
But that sneaky old foe, anorexia, continues to plague me, not in food so much as in depression, self-centeredness, controlling behavior and lying.
The lying – it's just about little stuff, usually little things to get people to feel sorry for me or whatever. The self-centeredness: I've noticed my prayers turning to me me me (Take me to heaven NOW Lord) and less and less on others. So yes, I'm asking for all your prayers, but I want to know your requests in return, so that I can pray for you.
I want to be controlling, to know exactly when He'll take me, but why should I be any different. No one knows their exact hour or day. I feel like I wrestle with God every night – God just take me NOW – but that's a sin. I cannot tell Him what to do.
All I can do is live in faith from what I've been told, continuing to do His will as He keeps me here. I need to turn the switch from grumbling to glorifying.
And besides, Jesus is with me every day. I see him in every tree blossoming, every grand shadow the mountains cast. He is with me, I am just not yet with Him.
If anyone reads this blog regularly, I would ask you just this. Pray that my grumbling turns to glorifying, my idle self-pity into doing work for Him. That's the reason I'm bummed. I haven't been fulfilling my purpose.
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Check back with CP soon for more updates on Elle's condition in "Dying to Meet Him."
