Fearless Political Predictions for 2014

By Ron Hart, Op-Ed Contributor Tuesday, January 07, 2014

After last week's look back, let's take a peek forward. Extrapolating from the events of 2013, I think some of these predictions are not unlikely:

Republicans will fumble their opportunity in the 2014 midterms, not winning the Senate. Political fortunes come and go, like the swallows of Capistrano and the McRib. But Republicans will not fully capitalize because of the tug of the social conservatives.
Once again, Democrats will outspend Republicans in the midterm elections. Democrats are prepared to spend hundreds of millions of PAC, union and corporate money to get reelected, once again proving their willingness to end big money's corrupting influence in D.C.
NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden will find a measure of redemption. Most of the press and virtually all of the politicians in Washington condemned him for divulging embarrassing secrets that might curtail their Orwellian powers. Politicians only want the Fourth Amendment enforced when they are out of power. Senators on both sides of the aisle said Snowden needed "to be hung." Historically, those talking about being hung are lying.
In Colorado and California, the same folks who lament that they don't have health care now stand in line for government-taxed and -distributed, $310 per ounce marijuana. The inevitable reality of the free market will take over. "Twitch" or "Sketch" who see that line will sell the same weed for $50 an ounce -- and you won't have to halfheartedly convince Twitch that you have back pain.
Newly inaugurated liberal New York Mayor DeBlasio, who is 6 feet 7 inches tall and some believe too tall to govern, will flounder. The new mayor will oversee a police force that will arrest someone for having a 16-ounce soft drink but have him plead to a lesser charge of dealing crack.
Given the higher taxes, big government nanny state and war on W2 income earners, even more New Yorkers will move to Florida. Here's a helpful guide to Florida for New Yorkers: As you drive south, you will eventually stop seeing Rebel flag shot glasses for sale in stores. This means you are near the Panhandle's Route 30A-- the best part of Florida -- so keep going so we can keep it that way. Continue driving south. Once you get past Tampa, you are back in the north again. You will like it there.
"Johnny Football" will not make it long in the NFL, nor will his scrambling ability help him anymore than it did Michael Vick. Novelty quarterbacks like Tim Tebow do not last long. I see a tearfully apologetic press conference in Johnny Football's future. The only way his foot speed will help him is if he is drafted by Detroit; it will help him get safely from the stadium to his car in the parking lot.
Another Kardashian will divorce. Either Chloe or Chlamydia (I'm not sure of all of their names). Obama will have to appoint the new Kardashian husband, presumably from the 2014 NBA draft.
The Pope will grow in popularity thanks to his tolerance and compassion. The College of Cardinals will meet at the Vatican to celebrate the Pope's first year; this conclave will mark the most celibate virgin men ever meeting in one place if you don't count Star Trek conventions.
North Korea's dictator-in-training, Kim Jung Un, will continue to provoke the West by doing hapless things. He will try to launch another missile with technology beyond his current Mentos-and-Coke mixture. His missile tests will continue to fail, making him the only Asian who does not test well.
Gun control legislation will fail. Americans recognize that guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early with a gun do.
Whites will continue to decline as a percentage of the population faster than expected, and will soon be in the minority. Republicans will regret they appointed all those anti-affirmative action judges.
Polling confirms that Obama is and will continue to be worse than George Bush on protecting civil liberties. Pollsters would ask other questions, but poll-ees run and hide because they think they hear a drone overhead.
The more than five million Americans who lost their health care coverage because of the ObamaCare debacle will scramble to buy replacement policies. Opportunist con artists will abound. These hucksters will try to entice their victims with false health care insurance promises like, "If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. If you like your current health care plan, you can keep it. Period." So be careful.