Facing divorce, Pastor Sam Collier admits he was ‘drunk in love’ and got married too soon
Pastor Sam Collier is “in disbelief.”
This wasn’t the way his love story was supposed to end. In the beginning, he had imagined doing life with Toni Collier forever. Now they're facing divorce.
The former Hillsong Atlanta pastor, who leads Story Church, says he's returning to the pulpit for Christmas Eve service after taking a three-month sabbatical that culminated in an announcement about their pending divorce. In an interview with The Christian Post, Collier said he was “drunk in love” when describing his decision to wed Toni Collier in 2015 after knowing each other for only three months.
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“I'm in disbelief, to be honest. I'm in disbelief,” Sam Collier, 35, told CP just days after Toni Collier, 33, announced that she was seeking a divorce, alleging that he had been unfaithful — a claim he denies.
“I never thought that I would be in this position at all,” he said. “It was never the dream for this.”
Two weeks ago, the couple issued dueling statements on Instagram just minutes apart, publicly confirming the end of their love story.
“I’m in the middle of the hardest season of my life. I am heartbroken, yet still hopeful. If you could see all the ways God has been kind to me and my kids your jaw would be on the floor. After years of discovering and enduring repeated acts of infidelity, I have chosen to end my marriage with Sam,” Toni Collier announced.
“Despite seasons of hope, attempts at reconciliation, and counseling, after recently discovering more infidelity, I realized this wasn’t a sustainable or God-honoring marriage anymore. I’m at a point where I have to say, ‘no more.’ I’m taking time off the stage and social media to focus on healing with my kids. I have no desire to hurt Sam but do want to vigorously protect my heart and my children,” she added. “Thanks for giving us privacy to do that, and for prayers that will undoubtedly be felt. Love y’all.”
In a separate post deleted within minutes after it was made public, Sam Collier accused his wife of being a “liar and abuser” and insisted that they made a mutual decision to divorce.
“Toni Collier is a liar and abuser. It is documented that she has abused me our entire marriage and wants to continue to. I asked Toni not to do this. As well as our team and ‘our’ lawyers. She is not divorcing me, we are divorcing each other,” he wrote. ”AND I tried to divorce her 7 times and she begged me to stay and kept abusing me. I will tell more of the story later.”
In a follow-up statement, Sam Collier quickly apologized for his heated reaction to his wife’s announcement.
"I would like to apologize for my earlier comments regarding my divorce. It did not reflect the leader I am or my sincere feelings. I was emotionally overwhelmed and angry at the highest level. These past two months have been extremely exhausting."
CP reached out to Toni Callier asking for clarification about the alleged "acts of infidelity" and the factors she believes led to the dissolution of their marriage, as well as her plans for ministry, but no further comment was provided.
Waking up with the world
Collier, who served as Hillsong Church’s first black lead pastor before stepping down early last year as the global church network faced a wave of scandals, explained to CP that he and his wife had been working on their divorce privately for the last two months and all their advisers, including their attorneys, had asked them to keep it that way: private.
Even though they are public figures, he said he didn’t want a public break-up. He was hoping to protect their family and ministries. And he thought he and his wife were on the same page until Dec. 1.
“I woke up to the post from Toni at the same time that the world did. And one of the things that you see, in my response, which I retracted, was an emotional response, and it was out of fuel from anger and surprise and shock,” he said.
“There were so many people behind the scenes, … including her attorney, including mine, including ... all of our therapists, that had advised that what would be best for the kids, and for us, and honestly, for the Christian community, would be not to do a divorce publicly,” the Atlanta pastor explained.
And now, feeling forced into a public discussion about the death of their marriage — that had at times been held up as an example of a godly marriage at Christian conferences — Sam Collier feels “it is my duty to communicate back to a world that had trust [in me] about what was going on.”
“I feel it is responsible of me to do this, now that this has gone public, because I'm a public figure, because so many people have believed in me. I've spent the last 20 years building a reputation, sacrificing for the sake of the Gospel and helping individuals.”
Was he unfaithful?
Sam Collier denies being unfaithful to Toni Collier, with whom he shares an 18-month-old son. Toni Collier has an older daughter from her previous marriage. He calls her claim of infidelity a “gross depiction” of their relationship and says he tried hard to save their marriage even though he admits to trying to divorce her seven times.
“Here's what I have learned from counseling couples that are in very, very difficult and dire marriages. … In marriage, especially when it's difficult, you find yourself in spaces and places, and thinking things, saying things, that you come out of your character,” he said.
“I've counseled so many couples that have done that. And so, for me, in the marriage, because of the level of difficulty that took place, [I] developed unhealthy coping mechanisms that I'll leave right there,” he said, noting that he has been to therapy for those unhealthy coping mechanisms. “I can confidently say that the claims of infidelity and what that communicates is very inaccurate.”
In his interview with CP, Collier didn't go into the details of what those unhealthy coping mechanisms were.
Meteoric love and an elopement
He remembers the first time he met Toni in 2015. It was at the Atlanta-based North Point Community Church, led by Pastor Andy Stanley, where he served as a minister for seven years.
He was 27, and Toni was 25. They were both attending a church planting meeting held by a different organization at North Point.
“I met her about 30 days before her first divorce. And then a week after, we had become friends over that time, there was an understanding. I was really excited about it, to kind of bring her even that much more into the world that I was in,” he said. “About a week after that, we went to coffee. We got married, actually, two months later.”
He revealed that even though there were people around him who had expressed reservations about the speed with which he got married, he says they were both “drunk in love” and broke all the rules many couples usually apply to test if they had found a relationship that would stand the test of time.
“I'll be honest with you. I don't want to quote Beyoncé, but there's a song called ‘Drunk in Love’ and that song, every time I hear it, describes what I believe we became within that first month,” he recalled.
“It was a hero and rescue story I think we got lost in. She was coming out of a marriage that she talks about publicly, which was very challenging. And she was rebuilding her life. And I saw this beautiful woman, this talented woman who had dreams and aspirations, and I felt as if I could help.
“I'm not sure what [she saw in me], but she leaned in and we just fell in love, man,” he said. “And honestly, I will say this, I've said this to friends and mentors, I don't even know who I even became.”
He said people around them had noticed how quickly their relationship had flourished and talked about its potential as a union that “could be great,” but warned them to take things slow.
“All of the mentors in our life, when they met us, they said, ‘Man, y'all could be great. Man, Sam, I think this might be the one. Don't get married for a year.’ ‘Don't get married for two years,’” he recalled.
He even recounted advice that one of his former bosses shared about getting into relationships with divorcees.
“Andy Stanley has a rule around individuals that have been divorced. He advises that you wait two years, and we just broke all the rules,” Sam Collier said.
Instead of waiting to get married, the couple “eloped” and “didn't tell anybody” after three months of knowing each other, he said.
“I mean, it was just a thing. And then we obviously ended up telling people and all of that, and they supported us. They were disappointed that we chose to do it [the way we did],” the Story Church pastor said.
The weight of forever
Looking back now at how quickly their relationship catapulted into marriage, Pastor Collier admits they weren’t properly prepared for the reality of doing life together. He believes that perhaps if they had waited, as they were advised, their relationship would have survived.
“I can't speak for Toni, and I never will, especially now, but I believe both of us, if you were to ask, we’d [say] we don't advise [doing what we did]. Take your time.
“I say to people now that before you get married and you're single, all you want to do is get married. And then after you get married, all you want to do during that time is you think about ‘man, this is a long time. The reality is, marriage hits you that it is forever. So I advise couples all the time and individuals all the time, ‘hey, I know single individuals, especially, I know it feels like you're waiting forever, but forever is forever,” he said.
“What you're doing, you're 25, you're 26, you're 31, 32, you got a life ahead of you. And when you get in, you don't feel the weight of forever until you get over to that other side. You cannot feel it now. But when you get over to that other side, you will feel the weight of forever and you will wish that you waited longer.
“My greatest lesson in all of this is, I mean, I have a lot of lessons, but my greatest lesson in all of this is that time is the great revealer. I thoroughly believe that had we had the proper time to fully vet the situation that we would have seen a lot of the challenges that we ended up facing ahead of time and would have been able to avoid it.”
Therapy and ministering through a troubled marriage
Not being prepared to do life together forever took its toll on their relationship early. Sam Collier said he and his wife did about 200 therapy sessions collectively in a failed attempt to keep the relationship alive. Only the people closest to them could see the struggle and breakdown of their marriage, but the toxicity it bred impacted the way they did ministry, he said.
“I can't speak for Toni, but I want to be fair in my assessment in saying, I think it [relationship struggles] made it very difficult for both of us,” Pastor Collier told CP.
“In the beginning of our marriage, I was obviously, I was much more, I don't want to use the word established, but I’d been doing ministry long. I had been in the public eye a little bit longer. And so, I was kind of running and traveling ... And then obviously, Toni started to have a public ministry as well,” he said.
“I've had so many individuals reach out to me during this time. Pastors who've gotten divorces, individuals who have walked through some of the things that I've walked through, that Toni has walked through. And they were kind of sharing the worst stories of what it means.
“I had one individual tell me that he hung in there for about 30 to 40 years and had to preach and go home [to a bad marriage]. And it takes a toll. It requires you having enough strength to push past your own challenge.”
Sam Collier declined to speak directly to heated comments he made about feeling abused in his marriage to Toni Collier, but said, in general, he believes men and abuse in marriage is something that needs to be discussed more seriously.
“I think it's a real conversation to be had about whether or not men can actually experience very hard times and challenge, and even abuse in a relationship,” Sam Collier said.
“One of the conversations that I continue to have, that individuals from around the world have reached out to me [about] ... men specifically, and pastors, as they've been seeing this, they've mentioned to me and thanked me for calling out that men are not always the aggressors in a relationship. Men are not always the individuals that are being misogynistic, and all of these things. … There is a real story to be told.
“I believe that is a large part of this story, that, frankly, I did not want to talk about ever. In emotion [I] responded out of a place of hurt,” he said.
“I am not a perfect man, nor am I claiming to have made all the right decisions in this marriage at all.
“What I'm claiming is that I'm still a man after God's own heart. That I want to see the world be a better place. That I spent 20 years communicating on stages all around the world about the goodness of God, and that I believe those things. I walked as best I could with integrity, while also navigating a war back at home,” Collier stressed. “Toni has an amazing ministry. But I believe the Lord has blessed me with an amazing ministry. And now both of those things are now having to be talked about.”
Stepping away from and back into the pulpit
In an Instagram post on Wednesday, Collier announced he was stepping back into the pulpit for Story Church's Christmas Eve service after a three-month sabbatical.
This comes after his interview with CP last week in which he addressed his decision to "step back completely” from his role as lead pastor of the church.
“I have taken a step back completely from the platform and from most of the leadership at the church,” he told CP.
“There were certain things, like the building project, that we had to continue to look at because I was such a large part of it. But I believe when you go through a divorce [where] your character is called into question, you need to take a step back,” he said.
He told CP that he had expected to be away from the pulpit for about five or six months and had entrusted the leadership of the church to a faithful team of leaders, including many with strong, healthy marriages.
However, in his social media post earlier this week, Collier announced his return:
"It's with great gratitude that I come before you today having returned from a season of great reflection and transition," Collier said. "During my three-month sabbatical, God has directed my mind, increased my commitment to the integrity of the apostolic office, and my heart overflows with a message He's prepared for me to share. Words can't even begin to express how much I've missed all of you. As we approach the holy night of Christmas Eve, I am overjoyed to announce that I will be returning to our stage for this celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ this year."
Should a man who cannot lead his household be leading a church?
Though Sam Collier ministers in a contemporary church culture, his religious life began in the Pentecostal tradition where many say a man who cannot lead his household should not be trusted with leading a church.
Asked what he thinks about this saying, he bluntly admitted, “I think it’s true,” but believes God has also provided grace for the sin of divorce.
“I believe that we're living in an imperfect world at an imperfect time, and that what God requires of us, even with that statement, … as one pastor said, divorce grace,” Collier said.
“I believe there's grace for everyone to start over and to get it right. And get it really right. I don't believe it is God's best to have a family unit that is broken, and to be leading, … but sometimes you fall short,” he said.
“My goal in the future, at some point, I've said this, I don't wish to ruffle any feathers, but marriage, for me, it's not in my near future at all. But I do believe it is in my future, again,” he added.
“I believe the next time … I will do my very best to take my time on the front end to qualify so that we can be everything that the Scriptures call us to.”
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