Does Alistair Begg have a point about gay weddings?

A contentious debate among believers was reignited last week.

This firestorm erupted after advice from pastor and Bible teacher Alistair Begg surfaced, where Begg advised a grandmother that she should attend her grandchild’s wedding to a transgender individual. The advice came after Begg asked if the grandchild knew what the grandmother believed about sexuality and sin and if the grandchild knew that the grandmother could not celebrate the union. After the grandmother confirmed that, Begg advised her to go, take a gift, and demonstrate the loving kindness of God to those who are hostile to Him.

I am not at all surprised by the opposition he has received; this is a painfully familiar issue for me. 

Over a decade ago, my identical twin brother married another man. After much wrestling and prayer, my wife and I decided to attend the wedding.

Before I get too far, let me make a few disclosures. First, let me state unequivocally that no Christian can celebrate something that the Word of God calls sin. And Scripture is clear that homosexual behavior, like all sexual behavior outside of marriage between a man and a woman, is a sin. Second, let me state that what I am sharing here is not prescriptive, meaning I am not telling anyone that they should do as I have done. If your conscience does not allow you to come to the same conclusion that I came to, that is more than OK. No one should ever violate their conscience in making a decision like this. 

When my wife and I decided to attend my brother's wedding, we did so knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he and his partner had no question where we stood, biblically and relationally. If we were not confident of this, we would have felt guilty of passive approval. My brother was in a relationship with his partner for several years before they married. Over those years we had very direct and honest conversations about what we believed the Bible says about all sexual sin, including homosexual behavior, and what we believed about God’s ability to restore and redeem human sexuality.

My brother and I even had a heated discussion the day before their wedding. There would be no way to mistake our motives. It was abundantly clear that we were not celebrating or endorsing their choice. In fact, the first words out of the officiant at the ceremony were: “Now, we know that there are some here that disagree with this union, but you have chosen to be here because you love [them]. For that, we thank you.” We attended the ceremony as a demonstration that no matter what choices they made, we loved them.

I believe that a particular logical fallacy is driving many of the responses to Begg’s advice to this conflicted grandmother and has been at the heart of the debate since we had to face this reality almost 14 years ago. It is called the False Equivalence Fallacy. A false equivalency is an informal fallacy in which an equivalence is drawn between two subjects based on flawed or false reasoning. The flawed reasoning here is that “presence” and “celebration” are the same thing. If you are present, you are by default celebrating.  

I am currently deep in my 40s, and over the years I have known many parents who not only attended but in many cases even funded the heterosexual wedding ceremonies of their children who were marrying partners that they would not have chosen. Many of these parents were extremely grieved by the union.

In each of these cases, the parents recognized that they could not control their child's choice. They could express their concern and disagreement with their adult children, but they could not make their decisions. Choices were made to attend, and even sometimes fund the weddings, to demonstrate their unconditional love for their kids and do their best to preserve the relationship. But when you add to the dynamic a gay relationship and all objectivity to discern the difference between resolved attendance — often accompanied by deep grief — and celebration go out the window. 

Let me frame “presence” through a theological lens. Jesus spent time in the presence of people who offended the religious leaders of His day. In the synoptic Gospel accounts of the calling of Matthew (Levi), we see the Pharisees expressing disgust at Jesus eating with sinners. Jesus responded that it was not the healthy who needed a physician, but rather the sick (Luke 5:31-32). God incarnate was present sharing a meal with sinners. But let’s take “presence” a step further. God is omnipresent. Psalm 139:7-8 states:

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.”

Though He is grieved by sin, God has been present for every sin committed by all humanity, throughout all time. This means that He has been present for every gay wedding that ever was, and ever will be. Even if our sin blinds us to His presence, He is, and always will be right there. A.W. Tozer makes a great distinction between God’s omnipresence and His manifest presence, and I think that it would be good to clarify here as well. He writes that the “manifest presence” of God is what makes Heaven, Heaven. If God’s “manifest presence” were to show up, people would be on their faces repenting. We can believe in the omnipresence of God, and rightly understand that His presence in no way means endorsement of sin, mine or anyone else’s.

I know what objection comes next. Well, if you show up to “love” your family members, it is just going to push them further into sin. We must stand against their sin, even withdrawing relationships to help them come to a place of repentance. That is what will cause them to wake up to their sin, right? 

Well, that is not what led me out of my gay identity and gay relationship.

When I was 19 years old, I surrendered my gay identity and relationship to the Lord. I began a long journey of surrender and discipleship. I had been a believer in Jesus since I was 4 years old and knew exactly what the Bible taught about homosexuality. That mere knowledge did not make me repent. Rather, it was the truth of Scripture coupled with the relentless grace and kindness of God, demonstrated through Christians who loved me through my mess.

Seven years after that surrender, I married my wonderful wife, Suzanne, and I entered into full-time ministry discipling men and women like me who were following Jesus out of an LGBT identity. For 10 years I ministered at a parachurch organization in Portland, Oregon, not only to these men and women leaving LGBTQ, but I also led a group for parents and family with loved ones who had embraced an LGBTQ identity. Six years ago, I even began speaking in front of state and federal lawmakers opposing laws and policies that strip religious freedom and therapeutic choice for those who have struggled like I had.

For so many of the families I have ministered to over the years, the pain and grief surrounding an event like this are excruciating, and the relational stakes couldn’t feel higher. Many families are given an ultimatum that to not attend the wedding will cause irreparable damage to the relationship. With the majority of mainstream Christianity ready to judge you if you go and your loved ones are ready to cut their losses if you don’t, it is insulting and cruelly dismissive to say that a parent, grandparent, or sibling is guilty of celebrating sin if they decide to be present at a wedding of this nature.

God never left me, even when I was sinning. He led other believers to press into relationship with me as tangible demonstrations of His love, grace, kindness, and unchanging truth. In 27 years of this journey, I have never met someone who repented and came back to Jesus because they were cut off from their family. In fact, that only drove most of those whom I have ministered to further away from God and into the arms of the LGBTQ community, who are more than ready to receive the outcast.

I hope that we, as Christians, can have better conversations about all of this. I hope that before we start pronouncing judgments, maybe we could start with a little attempt at empathy or kindness. I know that the parents I minister to, and those I know who have left LGBTQ identity would appreciate more understanding on this front.

To Alistair Begg, you may not have known the hornet's nest you were kicking when you gave this advice to this struggling grandma, but I am so grateful that you did. If more parents were empowered with the permission to show up incarnationally for their LGBTQ-identified kids, holding fast to truth while demonstrating unconditional love, I believe many more prodigals would make their way back home.